Dancing Behind Masks
by sincerelymendacious
Summary: Clem has a particularly bad time at class. Crystal tries to make him feel better as best she can. Trigger Warning for Suicidal Thoughts and Depression.


On a warm, Friday afternoon, in the empty unisex cabin that nobody ever slept in, Crystal Flowers Snagrash and Clem Foote were lying flat on their backs, imagining what it would be like to be dead.

If it was anything like this, Crystal thought as she contemplated the cob-web strewn ceiling above her, it didn't seem so bad. Granted, the wooden floor under her wasn't the most comfortable surface and she was pretty sure that the thing tickling her ankle was a bug of some kind, but this exercise- that's what Clem said this was, a thought exercise- was sort of relaxing, and it was nice to just take a break from both spreading cheer and working on The Project. To make things even better, Quentin had let them borrow his C.D. player (what a nice guy!) so they were able to listen to their favorite music while they pretended to be dead. Okay, technically it was just her music they were listening to, as Clem had left his C.D.'s at home ("Silly me! Hopefully they'll still be there when I get back!"), and that was why they were listening to the Flashdance Soundtrack, her absolute number one favorite album as they lay. Crystal had felt a little bad that they couldn't listen to any of his music, but he had told her that he didn't mind, so it must have been okay, right?

Clem was the one who had suggested they engage in this thought exercise instead of going to dinner with everybody else. He'd done it right after Ms. Milla's levitation class, which had not gone too great for either of them. Instead of the usual end-of-class-race, Ms. Milla had split everyone up into six teams of three for a relay race in order to 'spice things up!' in her words. Crystal and Clem had ended up being partnered with Bobby Zilch, who was, while no doubt an awesome guy deep down (REALLY deep down), certainly no friend of theirs, (at least, not yet- Crystal wasn't going to give up!). Despite that, the race had gone well at first. Crystal had completed her section in relatively good time, and Bobby, one of the best levitators in the class, had gotten them to first place by the time he had passed the baton over to Clem.

That, sadly, was where things had fallen apart. Oh, Clem had done his best (he always did his best!) but after he had cleared a rather large gap his levitation bubble had just popped right under him like a balloon, and he ended up falling onto his face. The lead was quickly lost, and Clem, unable to call his ball again, had been forced to run the rest of the way to the finish line.

Their team had finished in dead last. Bobby had not been happy about it at all, and he had laid the blame of the loss right at Clem's Converse-clad feet. "Way to go, Foote-breath," he had growled as he passed, punching Clem hard in the arm in a way that made Crystal's heart squeeze painfully. "I see you again today, I'm gonna do something with my foot that you ain't gonna like. Cheer about that, ass-munch!"

Clem had not seemed to hear the insults or the threat; had not seemed to feel the punch in spite of the fact that it had been hard enough to leave a bruise. His eyes had stared straight ahead blankly, not seeing her or any of the people who walked around them. The look on his face had been strange, as though torn between despair, frustration, and resignation, and unable to decide which emotion it wanted to convey. He had stood there like that for a few moments, Crystal's concern growing with each second that passed, and then abruptly snapped himself out of it. "Well!" he had said, voice cracking as he clapped his hands together. "Win some, lose a lot, I guess!" And then he had asked her if she wanted to do the thought exercise. "Just in case we mess up The Project and end up dying instead of becoming all-powerful," he explained, sounding almost excited by the prospect of failure (that could have just been Crystal's imagination, though). "Hate to say it, but it could happen! It seems like my one talent in life is failing at everything I try to do, hahahahaha…."

Crystal had agreed immediately, relieved that Clem had bounced back so quickly. It was a smart thing to do, Crystal reflected as Love Theme faded out and Manhunt started up. She hadn't considered that they could screw The Project up- the only thing they needed to do was find a way to die, she had thought- but Clem was so well-prepared and always thinking of things that she hadn't. He was so smart, and it seemed like only she knew it, because most everyone else at camp called him stupid and annoying. They called her stupid and annoying too, but that didn't bother her as much because it was true.

Crystal turned her head a bit, looking over at him to see if he was enjoying this thought exercise as much as she was. It didn't look like it. His eyes were screwed shut, and his teeth appeared to be grinding together, like he was in pain. Crystal had thought that death was supposed to be peaceful, but maybe she was wrong. She opened her mouth to ask Clem for some instruction, but then closed it, not wanting to break his concentration.

It must have broken anyway, for he sighed and opened his eyes a mere second later. He turned his head to look back at her, the corner of his mouth turning upward in a sort of half-smile. "I dunno, Crystal," he said, shrugging his shoulders. "Not sure this is working for me." He switched his gaze back up to the ceiling, his fingers idly tapping along to the song. "I think the only way to truly experience the pure nothingness of death is to actually be dead. Everything else is just a waste of time."

Crystal frowned, sorry that he wasn't getting what he wanted out of this exercise. "Maybe we aren't doing it right," she offered, not wanting Clem to call an end to the activity. Once they got up and left the cabin, they'd have to go back out amongst their peers and spread cheer. Which was fun and all, but Crystal wanted to spend a little more time alone with Clem, time that didn't involve writing cheers for people who didn't seem to appreciate them all that much or searching for sharp objects when the counselors weren't looking. "Maybe we need to do something else with our…arms?"

At the moment they both had their arms held out at their sides, his looking stiffer than hers. "Hmm, you might be onto to something there," he said, and Crystal felt her heart jump, as it was not often that anybody thought she was right about anything. "What do you think we should do with them?"

Crystal pondered on that question for a second, and then placed her hands on her chest and clasped them together. "At my Great-Aunt Ruth's funeral, she was laying her casket just like this."

Clem mimicked her pose, but then shook his head. "I like the general idea, but I don't think that it'll work for me. My parents aren't going to bother with a funeral. They're just gonna throw my body in the garbage." He let out a laugh and then spread his arms out wide, letting his body go limp. "I'll be lying out in the dump like this." He lolled his head to the side and stuck out his tongue, making an exaggerated death rattle that sent Crystal into a fit of giggles.

Once her giggles had subsided, however, she quickly realized that what Clem had said was not actually funny at all. It was downright sad! Crystal's parents didn't always like her, but she was reasonably sure that they would at least bury her should she accidently-on-purpose fall off the roof or something. They might not spring for a fancy coffin or anything but they wouldn't throw her out with yesterday's garbage like Clem claimed his parents would.

Maybe it was another one of his jokes. Occasionally, Clem would tell her about some awful, heart-wrenching experience he'd had at home, but then laugh it off before she could express any sympathy towards him. It always made her feel so confused- why would he laugh about things that weren't funny, about things that were so terrible it made her tear up just listening to them? Especially when those things happened to him? She wondered if he perhaps he was forcing himself to laugh- it was something she did sometimes when she was feeling super down in order to cheer herself up. If that was the case, it didn't seem to be helping. Clem laughed more often than anyone else that she knew, but he very rarely sounded happy while doing it.

Attempting to puzzle out whether or not Clem was joking was making Crystal feel exhausted, which was weird considering that she not moving all that much. Manhunt faded out and was replaced by the slow synths of Lady, Lady, Lady. "Oh!" Crystal cried, sitting up, her confusion forgotten as her favorite song on the album began to play. "I love this one!" She sighed over the song's melancholy romantic tone and suddenly felt the need for a break. She rose to her feet and began swaying to the song, letting her body move to the singer's deep, smooth voice. This song always seemed to her like the sort of song that couples would slow dance to at prom or home-coming. She could slow-dance by herself just fine- she could spend hours alone in her room twirling along to songs like this one- but she had to wonder if it would be better with a partner, one that she liked a whole lot. And since a person who fit that description happened to be in this very room…"Dance with me, Clem!" she said, pausing in her movements to extend her hand out to him.

He blinked, staring at her hand and she found herself blushing. "I-if you want to, I mean," she stammered as Clem sat up. "S-since, you know, pretending to be dead isn't really working…but you don't have to if you don't want, it's fine if you want to keep trying…"

He put his hand in hers, cutting her flustered rambling off. "Nah, I'll dance with you, Crystal," he said, pulling himself up to his feet with little help from her. "I'll have plenty of time to do nothing when I'm really dead."

A light happy glow spread throughout Crystal's body, and she grinned up at him excitedly. "Yay!" she exclaimed, bouncing on the balls of her feet. "Thank you Clem! You're the best!"

"Ha-ha, don't say that just yet," he warned lightly, reaching out to take her other hand. He pulled back, suddenly unsure. "I've never danced with another person, so I have no idea what I'm supposed to do." He rubbed the back of his neck, chuckling. "Shocking, I know."

"Oh, it's easy!" Crystal replied, taking Clem's other hand in her own. "You put your hands on your partner's shoulders," as she spoke she set Clem's hands on her shoulders, "and then you just go in circles with the music!" Crystal wasn't one-hundred percent certain how accurate this was- she had never danced with anyone like this either- but that was how they did it in her favorite movies, so she figured that it would work here.

Getting Clem's hands positioned correctly was simple enough, but Crystal couldn't quite reach his shoulders without either her standing on her toes or him stooping over a little. They tried the former, which made Crystal's calves stretch uncomfortably and put her off-balance, and then they tried the latter, which just looked and felt odd for Clem. As they were trying to find a sort of happy medium between the two positions, they danced along to the song, turning around over and over again in a small circle, their feet shuffling and sliding against the creaky floor and occasionally each other's.

Crystal had not seen the movie this soundtrack had been made for- she wanted to but Mom said no, citing the film's R-rating- but she'd always assumed that this song was meant for a super serious, super romantic scene. She imagined however, that if someone were to walk in on them dancing like this, they'd find the scene more comedic than romantic, and Crystal wouldn't have been able to blame them. It didn't bother her though. She wasn't yet sure whether or not she had feelings for Clem Foote that went beyond friendship or not, only knowing that he was the best person she knew and romance hadn't really been on her mind when she'd asked him to dance. She'd only wanted to forget about The Project, forget about all the ways her brain made her hurt, forget about the cold, unfeeling world that didn't seem to have a place for cheer and positivity, and just have some fun with her best friend in the whole world.

She thought that Clem, despite the awkward way he was dancing with her, was having fun too. There was the beginning of a smile curving onto his lips, and from time to time he'd make a soft noise that sounded like he was trying to hold back laughter. His eyes- well she couldn't say that they looked totally happy, what with the dark circles and the pain that was ever-present at the edges of them- but there was a gleam that told her that he didn't regret getting up to dance with her to her favorite song. She smiled up at him and then began giggling, softly at first, and then louder as Clem joined her. Pretty soon they were both almost doubled over as they danced, thoroughly amused by how silly they must have looked.

"Well, this is awkward," Clem said when he had collected himself. "Sorry Crystal, you probably would have been better off having your first dance with someone who isn't freakishly tall and gangly."

"No way!" Crystal said, shaking her head. She stepped a little closer and stood as tall as she could, trying to prove to him that their height difference didn't matter. "There's nobody in this camp, nobody in the world, who I'd rather dance with more than you!"

Uneasiness came into Clem's expression then, and Crystal blushed, unsure why her honest statement would cause him to look so uncomfortable. But before she could stammer out an apology, something- a loose floor board or maybe he had made a misstep and turned his ankle- caused him to trip, the fall so sudden and swift that Crystal didn't have time to let go of his shoulders and thus ended up plummeting along with him. The song had just ended and next one had begun, making the long, slow, opening guitar riff the soundtrack of their descent.

They landed on their sides with a hard thud. For a moment, they just lay there, Crystal looking at Clem and Clem looking back, matching expressions of confusion on their faces, as though neither of them were certain of how they'd ended up back on the floor. Clem recovered his wits first. "Oh jeez, Crystal!" he said, rising up onto his elbow. "Are you okay?"

Crystal swallowed and then, after confirming that she wasn't in any great pain, nodded. "I'm fine," she said as Imagination, a song more upbeat than the previous one, played in the background. She gasped, noticing a small amount of blood welling up on the elbow that Clem had landed on. "Clem," she said, pointing at the injury, "you're bleeding!"

Clem glanced down at his elbow, examining the mix of blood and dirt that had stuck to it. "Huh," he said, not at all alarmed by his wound.

Crystal looked around the empty cabin, and then, when she could find nothing that could be used as a makeshift bandage, stood up. "We've gotta take care of that," she said, tone laced with worry for her friend. She offered hand to him again, but this time he didn't take it. "We have to go get Ms. Milla or Nurse Ford."

"Nah," Clem said as he got to his feet. "I'm fine with just leaving it."

Crystal blinked, surprised that he would suggest such thing and not sure of how to respond to it. "It would serve me right," he continued, cradling his injured arm, "if this got infected and I died. Ha-ha, my dad always did say that I was too dang clumsy and stupid to make it in this world."

Crystal's mouth dropped open, tears springing to her eyes as a deep sadness welled up within her. She tried to speak, but couldn't think of anything she could say that would refute what he had just said- not because she agreed with it, of course, but because it felt like finding the right words to do so was beyond her brain's meager abilities. So she didn't say anything, just reached and touched his hand, staring up at him and almost wincing at the despair in his eyes, wanting only for him to know how much she wished she could make everything okay for him.

He broke eye contact first; turning away with a strange, strangled laugh that even she knew was forced. "Joke! That was just a joke!" he insisted, yelling like he thought if he spoke loud enough it would make his performance more believable. "Of course I'm gonna go get this taken care of. I'd be cr-aaa-zy not to!" He spun on his heels and headed to the exit, but stopped at the door, keeping his back to her. "Crystal, I'm…" He looked back at her for a second and then away, sighing. "I'm sorry."

Crystal watched as he sped off, wondering what he was sorry for. For falling just a minute ago? Surely he couldn't think that she was mad about that! Puzzled, she walked over to the C.D. player and switched it off, plunging the empty cabin into silence. "Wait for me, Clem!" she shouted as she ran out the door, hoping to catch up to him.


End file.
